Irie

No matter my weakness,
No matter my failure,
If this is it,
If this is as good as it gets,
I am proud to say,
That in all of my life,
I accomplished this.

My Favorite Goodbye

Today is my goodbye to 2007 and I'm having a blast!

I am going to bury it with all the flare of a Viking funeral and glory in what I've turned myself into thus far while embracing the me I wish to fully be.

I had mentally set aside 2008 as an exciting year since my birthday will be 08-08-08 and I love things in threes. But, that was long ago ... long before I thought the year 2000 was a thing I would touch. When you are a child, anything that you cannot feel immediately is far, far away, and NOW, back then, was just that.

Far, far away.

Back then, I would use my future self as a focal point. My anchor to the future to pull myself and hold myself to my goals.

Now, while watching the innocence in my children's eyes and the purity of their love for all the things they love, I have chosen a new focal point.

Today is an exciting day for me. I have prepared for this mental shift for a long time and I am enjoying the snakelike slithering out of a skin that was beautiful while it was mine.

Today I kiss every part of me that I've built and I say, good job, Ms. Johnson.

I bid farewell to the anchor that I have clenched for my entire life, and, so far, this is my favorite goodbye.

Anatomy of Now - PS

1. aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (like kevin on home alone) hehehehe ...
oh my goodness, it's like a living nightmare!

(all of this is tongue in cheek, so i hope you have on your bigeyedbigsmiledokayi'mreadyforthepunchlineevenifitscrappybecauseiloveanyexcusetolaugh face on)

it's a living friggin nightmare!

just as i'm sending you the wah-wah-my-ear-hurts email accompanied by mentally flushing any and all mental references about ears that might make me cringe in imagined pain (it even includes such memories as adrienne's famous ear wig stories because i remember listening and imagining a bug with crunchy but fat and squirmy legs and dry raspy crispy bug parts rolling around in my ear trying to find a better position to dig in and chew its way deeper into the too tender part that if accidentally hit made me feel insideout with pain - oh yeah - it goes back that far) so - i'm trying to repel all ear thoughts and attract warm cheesy thoughts like the sandwich i was going to go grill in the cold dark kitchen

just as i'm doing that - oh
my
gah

can
you
bee
leave
ITTTTTah (like the way the twins say iT)

look was friggin Internetbanneradvertisementthing was IN MY FACE - and, may i just say, it paralyzed me with fear
(you don't even have to explore the site, mama - just imagine you're me - now - look at the title)

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (like kevin on home alone) (now, trying to keep poker face for my dramatic exit)

oh my word! it's a living nightmare!

WWW.EAR-CANDLES.NET

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (like kevin on home alone)

I have no words for the sheer terror, the sheer horror this creates in me.

okay,

number 2.) please reply so i'll know you got this, so, in case you show up on my front door with the i'msorryijustgotworried eyes i'll know it's because you won't get this til you check your email at home


hehehehe - yay babci - we can't help it, we worry

don't be worried - i'm home with migraine & can't talk on phone

love yew!

The Anatomy of Now

ahem, presenting: The Anatomy of Now

or

Sorry I didn't answer my phone, but my right ear is dripping down my face

***

An Email

***

helloh mummy!

so, my face feels almost tangibly gooey with the pulsing white hot ice ball of pain that intermittently throbs or pings or only gently hums with the sweet massage of excrutiating pain.

he he he ...

am home with the remains of a migraine that formed when a massive cold front of pressure mingled with something at work that's flaring up my allergies (probably the heat exhaust!) and made my right eardrum HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT

sorry - silence makes me get a little bit carried away - lol!

i can't talk on the phone at all when my eardrum gets inflamed - since it burst, the pain is excruciating

i am, however, trying to lie still in the cold dark long enough and still enough to be able to finish the boys squirrellsintheatticroom118artclubblueroomplayrealconcert photo shoot. we are having the best fun ever! :)

love you tons and tons!!
aj :)

My Way

And, see, here's the thing, I spend a lot of energy loving the boys and there's no better high than seeing them shine, and when the boys have been in Room 118, they shine so perfectly beautiful right that they break my eyes.

To look on their skin, to put my eyes on their face, my eyes hurt - it hurts to look at them. I guess that's the feeling of love, but to me, it feels like an insideout of me.

They're my boys and they feel like me.

I hurt when they hurt and I fly when they fly.

It's the best medicine and the purest energy I can find, and it feels so good when they fly.

They shine, they fly, they fall and they cry and they're mine and they're me and me's mine.

They still have all those parts of themselves that already broke off of you and of me and all the other grownups with closed boring lives like we.

Their earth stuff is growing and crowding out the magic of them, but I know they are letting all sides of them grow and collide and accept and reject and attract and collide and bounce and entangle all the other sides of themselves and my self and your self and the best hope I have of resting in peace is to keep them in their perfect spot.

So, I try.

They gave me a super hero name last night and I celebrated it to the fullest extreme. They made me cry this morning and I took the time to straighten out all the Asher parts from all the Benjamin parts and put us all back in the last spot we were rightfully perfectly bouncing off of each other and growing and living and loving as one. And, then, when we got there, I celebrated that to the fullest extreme while quietly making eye contact with Benjamin while he slowed down and redirected himself and allowed his Benjamin parts to be Benjamin next to Asher allowing his Asher parts to be Asher.

Push. Pull. Rest.

I like round things and my family is round and full and fat.

Fat and Round and that makes me smile.

Standing next to them while they learn how to be is an honor and a thrill and entertaining and happy and realrealreal.

Just come on through - I'm out here on the patio

True and Complete History of Ms. Johnson

Benjamin said that you could enter your art club membership application in room 118, next to Ms. Johnson's.